I’ve seen most of MMPR so many goddamn times you would think I could just make an accurate assessment about the original 5 without re-watching every episode they’re featured in. But you’d be wrong. You’re lucky that I’m a man of integrity and honor that would never take such a blatant shortcut without doing the proper research.

We here at Children of Zordon believe in doing your homework. We also believe in taking your time with said homework. It’s not because I’m lazy, or that watching too much Power Rangers in one sitting will rot your brain faster than a Q-Anon convention. It’s because I take pride in truly sitting and absorbing each episode and giving them the individual attention that they deserve, taking great care in analyzing each detail to extract every little bit of juice from this color-coded fruit. After every episode, I assume a meditative state for at least 3 hours, contemplating the greater truths and consequences of what I just witnessed.

Especially the one where Zack’s afraid of bugs. Let’s check it out.

NAME: Zachary “Zack” Taylor
RANGER DESIGNATION: Black Ranger, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
BASE OF OPERATION: Angel Grove
FIRST APPEARANCE: “Day of the Dumpster” – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
LAST APPEARANCE: “The Power Transfer – Part 2” – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
PERSONAL WEAPONS/GEAR: Power Axe; Mastodon Power Coin
ZORDS: Mastodon Dinozord; Lion Thunderzord
PORTRAYED BY: Walter Jones

PROFILE

Do I even need to introduce this dude? You already know what’s up. Zack Taylor is the progenitor of Hip-Hop Kido and Zordon’s loyal Black Ranger. Though he was one of the biggest skeptics at first, he quickly warmed up to the idea of being a superhero alongside his friends.

Zack was the charming jokester of the team, but was always willing to help a friend in need. He was best bros with Jason and the pair could often be found sparring at the juice bar. His unique way to ward off bullies like Bulk and Skull was to have a dance-off with them and embarrass them so bad that they just kinda walk away in shame.

The other Rangers managed to convince Zack that they forgot his birthday in an effort to hide the fact that they were throwing him a surprise party. They definitely could have surprised him without pretending to be terrible friends. But what do I know? Feeling dejected about the whole situation, he went on a stroll on the hillside where he was attacked by Rita’s goons and the Knasty Knight. Lucky for him, his friends came to his rescue to help him stop the monster and surprised him with the party afterward.

All the charm in the world couldn’t have spared Zack from being rejected by his crush Angela. Well, at least at first. I think turning him down was one of her favorite hobbies for a while. The Zack Man persisted, even after that time he accidentally knocked her down while carrying a tray of smoothies.

Things got pretty serious when the Green Ranger hit the scene and kidnapped Jason. Without their leader, Zack took over as second-in-command and led the Rangers into battle. He even took charge in forming the Megazord to fight the normal-sized Green Ranger, which is probably breaking one of Zordon’s commandments. But Zordon was also missing, so no parents no rules, right?

Zack wasn’t afraid to mingle with the ladies or lead a superhero team, but anything with more than four legs gave him the “heebie-jeebies.” Mostly spiders, and by extension, tarantulas. Angel Grove City Council wanted to replace a statue with a barbecue pit, but Squatt and Baboo replaced the statue with a fake that contained a spider monster inside. Probably not even the weirdest of Rita’s plans.

When Zack spotted the fake statue and noticed it was covered in butterflies, his first instinct was to blast it with his Power Axe, revealing the ugly monster Spidertron. The Black Ranger faced his fears behind the wheel of his Mastodon, because we’re all tougher in our cars. But Spidertron still resisted his freeze blast, so when Tommy showed up, they formed the Dragonzord Battle Mode and Zack led the charge to squash the spider once and for all. And by that I mean they blew a whole through its fuckin’ chest which is pretty metal.

While the rest of the team was off fighting a half-goat half-lion monster that could summon wicked storms for lord knows what reason, Zack was out at the movies with Angela. I can’t blame the guy for not answering his communicator right away. Excusing himself for some popcorn, the Black Ranger showed up in the nick of time to save his friends from the evil goat tornado or whatever the fuck. Guess Angela didn’t appreciate how long it took, cuz she dumped her entire bucket of popcorn on his head. Rude, but effective.

Angela and Zack went on to host a magic show at the Youth Center, so apparently neither of them were deterred by the Great Popcorn Dumping. When a giant bird monster attacked Angel Grove and probably caused the equivalent of fifteen 9/11s, Zack’s master plan to distract the terrified children of the audience was to continue doing magic tricks. He convinced Bulk and Skull to make him “disappear” so that he had an easy way out to go fight the Peckster.

After about a minute, Peckster decided to just… not fight the Black Ranger anymore. Zordon told him to head back to the Youth Center because he didn’t want to make Angela and the kids suspicious. I choose to think Zordon knew about the Great Popcorn Dumping and was just looking out for our boy trying not to cock-block him again. There’s a joke about “cock” and “bird monster” in there somewhere but I don’t know what it is. Anyway Zack eventually went back and tricked the bird into pecking a dodgeball to save the day. Then he got chumped into seeing a cartoon marathon with Angela and the kids instead of a date.

It’s okay, though, because Zack wasn’t about to just back down like some kinda weenie. For Angela’s birthday, he wanted to take her out to dinner. On a double date. With Tommy and Kim. You know, the most highly-requested birthday present of all time. Next to pearl earrings, of course, because the monster in this episode is a clam and we need to merge the A and B plots.

Since Zack was a 20-something 17-year-old and couldn’t afford fine jewelry, he did the next best thing and acquired some from a man in a trenchcoat at the park. Unfortunately these pearls belonged to the Oysterizer and cast a freezing spell on everybody at the French cafe. Everyone except Tommy and Zack, who morphed to go find the clammy creature before he could destroy the ocean with his Ecocide Pearl.

Oysterizer blasted Zack with some acidic pink goo that left him helpless. When Tommy finally decided to help instead of running off elsewhere, he offered up his Dragon Shield to the Black Ranger, healing his gooey wounds. His goonds, you could say. This gave Zack the strength to deliver a flying punch to the monster and send him back to the water until they came up with a better plan. That plan was to take the Megazord underwater, destroy the Ecocide Pearl, and lay the smackdown on the monstrous mollusk. Please clap for my incredible wordplay and alliteration in this paragraph. Damn.

Since the oyster earrings sorta evaporated after he gave them to Angela, Zack showed up at the Youth Center with a bouquet of flowers and a song in his heart to win her back. They smooched. It was cute. Then Angela was never seen again.

Later on, Zack’s cousin Curtis moved into town from St. Louis. He was a pretty decent trumpet player, but with a jazz concert coming up and his instrument still on a moving truck, he was in a pickle. Fortunately for everybody involved, their uncle happened to be one of the greatest trumpet players of all time (Zack’s words) and as luck would have it, Zack had Uncle Ed’s world-famous trumpet in his own attic! He retrieved it for Curtis and was very careful with it. By that I mean he dropped it at the park and a Putty dumped some magic dust on it to turn it evil.

When Curtis used it for his jazz concert at the Youth Center, the sound clearly put a spell on the crowd. Shortly after the concert at the Youth Center, a Putty zipped in and scooped up the trumpet so that Zedd could turn it into a monster. Meanwhile, the sound of the trumpet had put the Rangers under a spell that made them hallucinate some of their past monster encounters at the beach. I feel as if Zedd could have chopped out a couple of steps in this plan, but that would be me editorializing the wrong thing for this blog. The Rangers eventually beat up the trumpet creature with the Thunder Megazord and retrieved the family heirloom. Then Curtis was never seen again. Okay, maybe one more time. Actually, at least two more times. That’s it though.

After Tommy re-joined the team as the White Ranger, a big, wonderful Peace Conference was being held in Switzerland. Zack (along with Jason and Trini) was one of the three teenagers called to participate. Nobody is quite sure what any of this meant, or why those three were chosen above literally anybody else in the world who isn’t a superhero, or how long they’d be gone for. Zack’s last mission as a Ranger was retrieving the Sword of Light from a distant planet. With it, he was able to transfer (or copy, again, it’s all very unclear) his powers to some kid named Adam. Then Zack was never seen again.

RANKING

Zack’s one-of-a-kind. His combination of goofy charm, easy-going attitude, and sense of duty and loyalty is part of what made the original Power Rangers so special and nigh-impossible to replicate. It’s easy to see why so many kids looked up to him both on and off the show. Some people are always going to prefer his successor post-Power Transfer, but there’s no denying that his absence was felt during that last half of the season. I might even argue that he had the biggest shoes to fill out of the Peace Conference kids. Might.

It’s unfortunate that, once Tommy joined the team, Zack sort of fell by the wayside as Jason’s BFF and right-hand man. But that’s a point for another article and I can’t hold it against him too much. Oh and there was the time he brought that super important trumpet to the park. Man, that was stupid. You get attacked by Putties almost every time you go there, dude. That’s gonna cost you a few points.

We’re gonna fit Zack in just below Cassie to be the new number 10 on the list of the Children of Zordon. 

Tune in next time when… wait.

…I haven’t picked out who Entry #30 is gonna be. I might need some help with this one. You should check out this poll on Twitter. If it’s still active, tell me which Ranger I should look into next. Serious votes only. If I smell nary a single disingenuous vote on my poll, so help me I will smite you with the might of a thousand suns.

Also make sure you look at The List before you go. Here’s a gif of a cool Zack kick. Okay bye!