Welcome, friends, followers, esteemed colleagues, and possibly some people I graduated high school with, to the first — and possibly only, depending on how many people think this nonsense has any value — Gordo Presents Children of Zordon’s “Thirty Year Old Man’s Favorite Toys Awards!” Or, as I like to call them, the Tyomftas. It’s a work in progress.

Listen. I’m not an expert toy reviewer or anything. I have reviewed toys in the past, but it has been mostly for shits and giggles.

Which is why this will ALSO be for shits and giggles!

Today’s edition of the Tyomftas will be focused solely on the Lightning Collection from Hasbro. This is who I am now. I’m but a shell of my former self, my soul having been replaced by a corporate AI that exists to sell and advertise children’s toys to presumed adults. That’s right: adults only. There might be some “eff-bombs” and “c-words” thrown about with nary a care to be had. Possibly even sex. Probably not sex, though.

What are my credentials, you may ask but probably didn’t? Well, I own most of the LC figures released so far, except for some exclusives and re-releases. And I’m not buying that $50 Evil Tommy that was supposed to be a SDCC exclusive last year. Nice try, Dr. Oliver, but I’m not falling for your schemes.

Awards will be broken up into categories that I’ve made up on the fly. Starting with…

Best “One of Gordo’s Favorite Suits That They Didn’t Fuck Up”: Zeo Gold Ranger — Wave 5

I chalk this one up to personal bias, but like a lot of basic bitches, I love Zeo Gold. Doesn’t matter if it’s the retail release or the annoyingly expensive SDCC 2-pack Jason version that I’ll probably never own. Just a sexy ass costume. I know the Trey version’s staff is completely incorrect with the “head” being open and the “bottom pointy thing” being in the middle. Look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you think I care?

No. Now stop staring at me.

The paint apps are actually gold and not caramel or butterscotch. The blackwash (is that what you call it?) on the top of the shield is beautiful. If he had a staff that wasn’t the opposite of correct, I’d call him perfect. But for twenty bones, he’ll do.

I can practically hear Brad Hawkins screaming HUZZAAAAHHH when I pose him.

Best Unremarkable Figure With a Dope Accessory: Dino Thunder Blue — Wave 8

Is this choice purely because of the big honkin’ Tricera Shield with the spike that comes out of it? You bet your Dino Gems it is. It almost overshadows the broken tilt on Ethan’s right ankle that definitely wasn’t my fault because I open my toys with little regard for their safety. I’d be a terrible collector if that were true.

I’m a terrible collector.

Best Lady Figure: MMPR Yellow — Wave 4

Imma keep it real with you chief, I don’t even care all that much about Trini. But for one of the few female figures in this line (so far), they really knocked it out of the park with MMPR Yellow. I mean so out of the park that we can’t even find the ball. Can you help me find my ball?

The civilian head likeness is nearly perfect and I have to reaaaallly squint to see anything wrong with this figure, unlike most other other MMPR pieces who all have either dumpy-looking human faces or helmets that are too round or too squished.

I think they went the extra mile with Trini since Thuy Trang is no longer with us and it would be really rude to put out a half-ass figure.

Best 2pac: MMPR Lord Zedd & Rita Repulsa’s Big Fat Jewish Wedding (Working Title)

“What a beautiful wedding,” said the bridesmaid to a Putty. And yes, but what a shame, the poor groom’s bride has him under the influence of a love potion against his will and this technically qualifies as something very nonconsensual.

That aside, these two look great together and my only wish is that Rita came with a happier face. Given that she’s the only willing participant in this sham of a nuptial ceremony, I don’t think asking a woman to “smile more” in this situation is uncalled for. But that’s a big head to make dupes of, and pissed Rita is still a good Rita, and far better than any other Rita offering we’ve gotten so far. Back in my day, I was so desperate for a Rita figure that I bought the 4-inch Samurai one. Willingly. With money. On eBay. I think it was $15. Ask me for investment advice if you hate money.

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While Zedd may be a double-dip, he’s got a bit more paint and the clever theming of this 2-pack makes it all worth it. And all those accessories, goddamn. Does that blue potion not make you thirsty?

GOAT (Goldest of All Time) (So Far): Beast Morphers Gold Ranger — Wave 2

Would calling this figure the “Gold Standard” be too far? Good thing nobody asked.

Nate Silva here is one of my favorite action figures I’ve ever owned, and you have the absolutely perfect choice of gold to thank for that. My dude stands out on a shelf in ways that other plastic men and women can only dream of. The sculpted details on the Beast Morphers figures in this line are great replications of the leathery suits in the show, but something about Gold in particular and how the light hits the little ripples on the chest and sleeves… mmm. Just makes you wanna get some Morph-X and rub it all over his… *ahem*

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I could nitpick QC issues or the fact that Nate’s head doesn’t come with his glasses, but I’m not going to. He’s beautiful and he’s my favorite. And he has a spare hand with devil horns for fuck’s sake. Don’t even try to tell me your favorite LC figure even compares to this dude. I’ve destroyed you with Facts and Logic already, and there’s no coming back from that.

Best Figure Representing A Man In A Thicc-Ass Bird Suit: Tenga Warrior — Wave 9

I just got my first Tenga yesterday. And lemme tell ya, you never forget your first.

This one is a late addition because I wrote most of this months ago and sat on it forever. It’s actually what prompted me to dig this back up from the recesses of my hard drive.

My first impressions are that Mr. Tenga is one of the best figures in the line and a great example of what Hasbro is capable of when they put their best minds together. You know, the minds that didn’t sculpt the MMPR Red Ranger figure’s helmet. (Just kidding, I’ve seen him on Twitter and I know he tries his best.)

Anyway, that’s it for this year/month/century’s Tyomftas. I think we’ve got a great line-up this year/month/decade and I, like many of you, eagerly anticipate next year/month/millennium’s ceremony. If you like pictures of toys or other crap, you can find me on Instagram! Check out my Twitter if you haven’t already, and let me know what your favorite Lightning Collection figure is. Or how your day is going. I’m thinking of doing a Razzies version of this where I talk about the worst figures, so let me know if that’s something you want to see.